Emily Heller

Hey jerks: asking someone about their New Year’s resolution is basically saying, “Listen, you and I both know you’re messed up. Now I wanna know what it is you plan to do about it.”

It’s rude! And you don’t have to take it! Next time someone asks you what your resolution is, here are some good made-up ones. To elicit…

Anger:

“I resolve to see the Godfather, finally.”

INSANE anger:

“To do something about those bedbugs.”

Creeped-outness:

“My resolution is to stop logging into your gmail and writing to people. Hopefully I have better luck with it this year than last year!”

Disgust:

“My resolution is to start washing my dishes, instead of just throwing them away when I’m done eating.”

Frustration:

“I think this year I’m gonna try to see if that lottery ticket is still redeemable.”

Jealousy/Disbelief:

“I think I’m gonna try to spend less time with Beyonce this year.”

Boredom:

“I think, this year, beyond my resolution but also within my resolution I really want to do a lot of self improvement, and, well, I think the only good agreements you make with yourself have to come from a place of both honesty and commitment, which I think we all know don’t intersect the way we’d like them to, committing to things we don’t honestly want or being inauthentic in our promises; so I took all of that into account, especially this year, because you know how hard a time I had last year really solidifying my idea of not necessarily what I was working toward but what a realistic way of approaching it would be, just knowing myself and I guess I’m just gonna drink less soda.”

Excitement/ecstasy: